10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make Before Marriage

What Women Should Know About Marriage and Relationships

© Sue Dillicar

Jun 11, 2009

This could be avoided, to some extent, if mothers spent as much time teaching their daughters about marriage as they do teaching them other life skills, like money management.

Romance is Not Enough

1. The number 1 mistake women make is getting married because they are in love! Being in love in itself is not a good enough reason to marry. Women fall in love for many reasons – it doesn't mean the man they have fallen in love with will be a good partner. Choosing a good partner makes all the difference between having a harmonious marriage and a difficult marriage.
2. Women need to seriously question how well they can work together for a lifetime. Do they complement each other? In an informal survey of women conducted by the author in May 2009, one woman (married for 20 years) said "I fell in love with 3 completely different men before I finally married. If I had married any of them, I would have ended up with an adrenaline junkie, a compulsive cheater or an emotionally stunted husband! Each taught me a valuable lesson about what I didn't want and the result is that I married a good man who still spoils me 20 years later."
3. Many women believe in the "and they lived happily ever after" ending. Women are fed romantic ideals from the day they are born. Books and movies aimed at girls invariably promote the big wedding to the perfect man as the ideal ending. Is it any wonder women don't tend to look past the romance of the wedding to the 50 or so years of marriage that follows!
4. Women believe that he will always be as romantic as he is now. Often women have very unrealistic expectations based on the way their partner behaved during the courtship phase. That doesn't mean women have to give up on romance, just that they shouldn't expect a "grand gesture" every day. In fact, it is okay for the woman to be the one to instigate romantic occasions and remind men of the many small romantic gestures which make her feel special.

Women Abandon Too Much For The Relationship

1. They often give up their friends and interests when they fall in love. With the thrill of being in love, it is too easy for women to put friends and family, hobbies and sports on the backburner. This is a fundamental mistake to make because a) women depend on support networks throughout their lives and b) men just can't be everything to a woman. It is asking too much of them.
2. Women lose their sense of "self". Getting into an intense relationship before they've developed a clear sense of their own identity is another common mistake young women make. Without a clear sense of self, women identify overly with their partner and find it difficult to stand up for themselves and their own needs. This will eventually lead to resentment and even depression.
3. They settle. A lot of women start to panic if they aren't married by their mid-20s, and that ol' biological clock starts ticking loudly. The result is that they make excuses and rationalizations to themselves about a relationship that is past its "use-by" date. Marrying someone because they are afraid to be alone is unfair to themselves and their partner.
4. They rush into marriage. It almost seems to be a race across the wedding finishing line for many young women. Marriage can last an eternity, but the single 20s only lasts a decade at the most! Just because a woman has found the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, doesn't mean she has to marry him straight away. They should enjoy their youth so that they will not have any regrets later.

Women Don't Do Their Research Before Choosing a Husband

1. They don't have conversations about serious issues before getting married. Women need to talk to their partners about where they both stand on issues that can make or break a marriage. They need to talk about the number of children they both want, is she intending to stay home to raise them, where each person's priorities lie, spending styles, dreams and goals, where they see themselves 20 years from now, parenting styles, sharing of responsibilities, etc. Women need to know beforehand if his beliefs are incompatible with theirs. This alone can determine how happy or conflicted a marriage is.
2. They have sex before "sussing out" the guy. Women need to make sure that he is someone they have the potential to be happy with, before they jump into bed with him. Afterwards, their hormones are likely to override their commonsense. This is how the Bree Van Der Camps of the world find themselves married to the Tommy Lee Jones of the world! Sometimes this works because their fundamental beliefs are the same, but it is important not to let hormones make that decision.
3. They believe that they can change the man. Women have a tendency to gloss over qualities they don't like in a man, telling themselves "Oh, he'll change" or "I'll work on that". If a woman does manage to bully a man into changing, their relationship will suffer. Women need to either accept and enjoy the differences between them or create an environment that encourages the man to want to change for the woman.

Marriage can be a wonderful experience. It can be painful, frustrating, hilarious, comforting, annoying and tender. How much it leans to either end of the happiness spectrum depends on women making a good choice of partner at the beginning.

Marriage Needs to be Based on Much More Than Love

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