The four factors of good communication and how they build a solid marriage.
We have all been in a conversation that failed. Somehow we didn't get our message across. Or no one really heard us. And, we had no idea what the other person was talking about, or where he or she was coming from.
Communication failures range from the frustrating to the downright destructive. Since communication is the life and breath of marriage, "air" quality has immediate effects on marital health.
Where do we begin when we want to communicate better with each other? With Step 1.
1. Honest exchange. In good communication, two people take the time to share more than thoughts, they share feelings also. They work to be good listeners and good talkers.
A good listener focuses on the speaker. She hears the words and watches for the nonverbals. A good listener hears all the words that are said, not just the emotion-triggering words.
A good talker, on the other hand, says what he thinks as accurately and clearly as he knows how. He doesn't hide behind or manipulate words. He does not fall into the trap of "saying what the other person wants to hear" instead of what he really thinks and feels.
If honest exchange has taken place without judgment or condemnation, it can result in...
2. Understanding Understanding is not the same as agreement, though it can lead to it. Instead, it is a sense of the other person: what he or she thinks, what he is feeling about what he thinks, what has motivated her to act this way. When understanding occurs, it leads to a deeper...
3. Connection. According to psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend, "A genuine connection is a mutual give-and-take of caring that flows between individuals. Both people bring their lives, loves, joys, and sorrows to the connection." (Safe People, p. 44) For true connection, people bring all who they are to the flow of communication, deepening the connection. This leads to...
4. Rapport. The meaning of this word goes far beyond the ease of conversation that is usually associated with it. Rapport defines a relationship of mutual trust and emotional affinity. In other words, the very description of a good marriage.
The goal of communication in marriage, then, is that this exchange of ideas, thoughts and feelings ends in rapport and deeper relationship. How is your communication working for you?
