Bringing a baby home from the hospital is a very emotional experience. New parents are filled with feelings of joy, love, fear and uncertainty. Raising a child is a trial in patience, endurance and time management. It is the ultimate labor of love, but can very easily put a couple’s love for each other on the back burner.
Adding Children to a Marriage
When a couple decides to bring a baby into the world, they may believe that their greatest challenge will be managing the 2 a.m. feedings and numerous daily diaper changes. Sleep deprivation and the overwhelming responsibility for the life of another being, should be enough for any couple to fret about. But factor in finances, career, and a complete lifestyle change, and it could be a recipe for marital disaster.
New parents are likely to find themselves on edge and more emotional than ever before. Minor disagreements can easily become major conflicts, and some comments are likely to be taken completely out of context. The transition from two to three in a family can really take its toll on a marriage.
Keeping a Strong Marriage
The three most important factors in keeping a marriage healthy are understanding, support and compromise. To truly understand a spouse’s feelings or point of view, the other must put their own thoughts or feelings aside and try to see things from their spouse’s perspective. Here is an example of a common scenario:
A husband has been working all day. He comes home and just wants to relax. After a hard day’s work, he feels entitled to a few moments of peace and quiet. However, his wife is on maternity leave with their new baby and has been home all day – changing diapers, making bottles, interacting with the baby, and cleaning the house. She has also had a long, hard day and is looking forward to her spouse coming home from work so she can get a few moments of peace and quiet.
There are two ways this could pan out. More commonly, it will likely result in a back and forth banter over who has the more difficult role in the family and why the other doesn’t understand how good they’ve got it. Instead of supporting each other, they attack one another, starting a chain reaction of defensiveness and resentment.
What if, instead of fighting, the couple used what little energy they have left at the end of the day to come up with a compromise that suits them both? Perhaps, after supper, the wife could take a relaxing bubble bath or read for an hour, while the husband takes care of the baby. Then the husband could take an hour to himself while the wife looks after the baby, or vice versa. This way they each get some time to unwind and don’t waste their energy fighting a battle that neither one is going to win.
Time Together
The speed of time increases exponentially when children are added into the mix, a week begins to feel like a day and sometimes an entire month can seem to pass in the blink of an eye. One day, in a brief still moment, partners may realize that the last time they saw a movie with their spouse was nearly three years ago!
With the added responsibility of a child, on top of everyday jobs and household tasks, plus the need for time to oneself, the thing that usually gets pushed to the back of the line is time together. There never seems to be enough time in the day to complete all of the to-dos on the list, but every so often, it is a good idea to put time together at the top.
Plan ahead for a dinner date, or (gasp) dinner and a movie! Make it a point to rent a movie now and then and watch it together after the kid(s) are in bed. If the grandparents are visiting, sneak out for a coffee together. Have a general conversation during nap time… just small talk, no mention of finances or responsibilities. Also try to double the number of intimate moments shared in a week… twice shouldn’t be too hard!
Making Marriage Work
Marriage is all about compromise, especially when two people share the responsibility of a child. Whether one person works and the other stays home, or both are working, equally accepting one’s share of household tasks and child care is very important. It took two people to make a baby, and having two people to share in the experience of raising a child makes it much easier for all involved.
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