How Intimate is Your Relationship?
The True Meaning of Love and Intimacy
Mar 21, 2009 Thaddeus Lawrence
Matthew Kelly in his book The Seven Levels of Intimacy [Fireside, 2005] identifies intimacy as a “legitimate need” and love as a verb, an action. It is built on the premise that the true purpose of a relationship is “to help others become the-best-version-of-themselves, and for others to help you become the-best-version-of-yourself”.
What is Intimacy?
Intimacy is not to be confused with mere sex; instead it has a broader and more complete significance that encompasses the emotional, intellectual and spiritual components of life, in addition to the physical aspect. These four aspects are interwoven in a way to create a state of fullness and harmony when in full maturity.
The Seven Levels of Intimacy
The first level is that of cliché, where conversations are at their most superficial and fleeting. There is no depth or sharing at this level and would be most indicative of how you are with acquaintances.
The second level is that of facts. Mostly mundane and ordinarily routine, discussions of facts avoid conflicts and disagreements. Interaction is relatively safe and topics tend to be impersonal and self-evident.
The third level is that of opinions. This opens up the potential for opposition and reveals more about how you respond to the goings-on in your life and how you feel about different issues. It is a test of a person’s willingness to be neutral and non-judging and to explore the possibility of unconditional acceptance
The realm of hopes and dreams is where you reveal more of yourself, about the person you strive to become and the future you aspire to. The promise is of the possible life that awaits you and your loved one. The challenge is the clarity of your vision as a couple as well as your discipline in delaying gratification in order to build and live your dreams.
Feelings reside at the next level and this is where the risks get higher and understanding goes deeper. In sharing feelings, you reveal your humanity and your need to be loved and listened to. An honest and responsible expression of your feelings is liberating and fosters a healthy mind and heart. The question is whether you are ready and willing to let your guard down and share how you really feel with your partner.
The sixth level of intimacy is faults, fears and failures. The emotional equivalent of being fully exposed, this is where you own up to your own shortcomings, tend to your past wounds and pick yourself up to move forward. At this level, acceptance is vital and the intentions of both partners provide the driving force of the relationship. Through forgiveness and by confronting your fears and asking for support, you humbly and bravely step up together to face the future.
The highest level of intimacy is that of legitimate needs. What causes your relationship to thrive is when what you need and not what you want is central to your pursuit of happiness. This is where your physical need to be hold and be held; your intellectual need for stimulation; your emotional need to love and be loved; and your spiritual need for peace are fulfilled. Through acceptance, revelation and discovery you now build a life for you and your partner, an adventure bound by a common purpose.
Take a look at your primary relationship. Is it your top priority? Which level of intimacy are you currently at? Choose now to transform this relationship into a dynamic and thriving collaboration where both of you are clear and aligned on a common purpose.
![Love and Intimacy, @copyright 2009[Roy Tennant]](http://images.suite101.com/759185_com_lupineflow.jpg "Love and Intimacy, @copyright 2009[Roy Tennant]")
Love and Intimacy
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