In-Laws 101
Understanding the Underlying Attitudes
Read the following statements about in-law relationships. Which do you think are true? Which would you say are not true?
1. My marriage is all about the two of us and has nothing to do with anyone else.
2. My marriage, for good or ill, is part of the fabric of an extended family.
3. Good in-law relationships depend primarily on the older generation.
4. Good in-law relationships depend primarily on the younger generation.
5. The attitude you have toward your own parents and children affects the attitude you will have toward your in-laws.
6. Relationships with all in-laws should be like that of respected adult friendships.
So, how did you answer? Did you recognize that all of them are true? The answers may have been obvious to you, but they aren't to everyone. Look at the list again.
#1. A marriage is a twosome, set apart from the rest of the community for a uniquely intimate relationship. The strength of the marriage depends on the strength of this "twosomeness." But...
#2. A marriage is also part of an extended family. Whether you like it or not, the families you came from will have a great influence on your marriage. This can put pressure on your marriage or be the biggest support to it and to your children.
#3 and #4. Good in-law relationships depend primarily on everyone involved. A mother-in-law should not expect her daughter-in-law to do all the hard relationship work. The son-in-law should not expect the father-in-law to bend over backwards and do it all. Such an attitude would ensure a rocky relations road. If all parties come to the table trying their hardest, the resulting blessing would be the envy of most couples.
#5. If you have a good healthy adult relationship with your parents, you have a better chance of having a good healthy adult relationship with your in-laws. But if you are still playing rebellion games or act like a dependent child, or if you want to control your children as you did when they were young...your in-law relationships will be stressed as well. However, working to improve your relationships with your own parents and children can have positive effects on your in-law relationships also.
#6. This is the goal. There is great benefit in having good adult friendships in different generations. And what extra joy in having them in one's own parents or one's own children.
( For more in this series on in-laws, see In-Laws: Tis the Season).
More in Partners & Parents
Latest Articles