Loving and Being Loved With Words of Affirmation

The Kindness of a Few Words Can Go a Long Way

Sep 4, 2009

For those who communicate love most fluently with words of affirmation, compliments and insults can mean very much.

In Dr. Gary Chapman's New York Times Bestseller, The Five Love Languages [Northfield Publishing, 1995] he discusses five ways that people communicate and receive love to and from one another. They are:

When it comes to Words of Affirmation, Dr. Chapman is not discussing flattery as a means of getting something one wants, but giving heartfelt compliments to a loved one. In return, a person offered accolades will be more likely to reciprocate for his or her spouse because of how good it feels to be rewarded in this manner. It is what Dr. Chapman refers to as a "love tank."

Words of Affirmation Help Keep the Love Tank Full

The love tank that is discussed in the article, "The Five Love Languages" is a system of deposits and withdrawals that all people have with one another in some form. In the case of a person speaking to his or her spouse, affirming words fill the tank with deposits while condemning ones draw from it.

When people's love tanks are satisfactorily filled, they can easily afford to allow withdrawals by way of doing things that their spouse desires, such as returning words in kind, taking out the trash, or surprising the spouse by renting a movie he or she has been wanting to see.

Filling a love tank is very easy as there are no logistical constraints. No filling station is needed to be found; couples can simply help each feel better by being better to one another.

Insults, Compliments, and Encouragement

For people who primarily speak and hear love through Words of Affirmation, being insulted by a loved one can be devastating. Unkind words often hinder a person from trying new things whether it be in the kitchen or the bedroom. And the sting of unkind words can have a longevity that few compliments know.

On the other hand, encouraging words can transform a relationship. It is not hard to offer compliments. The key is for them to be honest and sincere.

For example, if one's spouse washes the kitchen floor after it had not been done for a while, it would be much more encouraging to him or her if the appreciative party said, "thanks for washing the floor; it really makes a difference," instead of, "it's about f_$@!%^ time you washed the floor, now I'm not tracking God-knows-what all over the house!"

In fact, a person who received the latter of those two statements may not be washing the floor more often than before.

Men are especially susceptible to this area of expressing love. Whether it is about his career, dreams, or time with the children, a surefire way to motivate a man is to encourage him, just as a surefire way to lose him is to offer derogation.

Make Requests, not Demands, of a Spouse

Marriage is a union of equals. If it is not, then the only ones to blame are those who "married down," and those partners should be all the more involved with making their relationship evolve into something more beautiful since they perceive themselves to be the alpha member of the couple.

In a union of equals, spouses should not make demands of one another, they should make requests. When a husband requests something of his wife, he is affirming her in her role as an equal partner in their relationship.

For example, if a couple was preparing to go on a date but no babysitter had been scheduled, it would be a kinder preface to the evening if one had asked for the other to do the favor of finding the babysitter, rather than saying "if you don't get a babysitter, you'll be eating by yourself."

Such delivery of comments as the latter may cause recipients to think of how nice it would be to have some time alone, eat where they want, and maybe catch a movie.

In the end, it is not compliments people desire, but the appreciation felt by receiving such words of affirmation. A partner wants to feel as though he or she is thought of as an equal in marriage and is thought well of, and speaking to one's partner through the language of Words of Affirmation is a very positive way to encourage this feeling.

The copyright of the article Loving and Being Loved With Words of Affirmation in Marital Communication is owned by Christopher Pascale. Permission to republish Loving and Being Loved With Words of Affirmation in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.