Marriage Meetings Improve Marital Relationships
The Key to Keeping Love Growing Between Married Couples
Nov 13, 2009 Marcia Naomi Berger
While the idea of a weekly Marriage Meeting might sound intimidating to some people, couples who conduct them are convinced of their usefulness, reporting a significant increase in marital happiness as a result. (Based on follow-up studies of participants in Marriage Meeting Program workshops held in San Rafael, California between 2006 and 2009.)
Here is how to plan for a successful Marriage Meeting:
- Schedule the meeting for a time when both partners are relaxed, not tired, hungry. or upset.
- Meet in a private place.
- Do not allow interruptions; ignore the ringing telephone.
- To prevent fatigue, set a maximum time limit of 45 minutes.
- Bring your appointment book or planning calendar.
- Use a polite, respectful conversational tone.
Begin with Appreciation
The four-part agenda for a Marriage Meeting starts with Appreciation. Each partner takes an uninterrupted turn to give several compliments to the other. Use "I Statements" and be specific. Two examples: "I appreciate how great you looked in your new suit at the party last night," or, "I appreciate that you arranged for the plumber to fix the leak under the sink on Wednesday." Compliment good character traits too, such as, "I appreciate your kindness and patience in listening to my angst about the situation at work."
Coordinate Chores
Next on the agenda is Chores. Each mentions whatever is on his or her to-do list and each can offer to take care of any task. Do not nag about what hasn't yet happened; follow-up can occur at next week's meeting. Jot down what you agree to do and by when. This is the business part of the meeting; if the tone gets emotional, move that subject to part four of the meeting: Problems and Challenges.
Plan Dates and Self-nurturing Activities
The third agenda item is Plan For Good Times This is the time to arrange to nurture the husband-wife relationship. Schedule dates with each other. Also plan enjoyable activities to do individually and family outings. Everyone needs to recharge their batteries. No one can run on empty.
Make Time for Conflict Resolution
The last topic is Problems and Challenges. Start with an easy issue, such as by saying how hard it is to stick to a diet and asking the spouse to help by either not buying or by hiding contraband tempting foods. Once a pattern of successful weekly meetings has been established, more sensitive issues can be introduced, such as a difficult in-law relationship, a sexual concern, finances, or a difference of opinion around a parenting matter. Brainstorm for solutions until you come up with one that is acceptable to both partners. Be Patient. Not all challenges get resolved in one meeting. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Attack the Problem, Not Each Other
Some people fear that their mate will use the meeting to criticize them or to make them do something they do not want to do. The key is to use positive, respectful communication skills. People who have difficulty communicating constructively can learn how. Many resources are available. Talk to a happily married friend, counselor or mentor. Consider seeing a psychotherapist who is skilled in this area or signing up for a communications class or couples workshop. Read books and articles by experts. Then apply the learning. Practice, practice, practice -- until healthier communication becomes second nature.
Thank Each Other for Meeting
Conclude the meeting on a positive note. Saying "thanks for meeting" with a friendly handshake or hug communicates the desire to stay connected emotionally. In time, the effective communication skills used during Marriage Meetings will carry over into couples' daily lives. Partners will become more consciously grateful for each other's fine character traits and behaviors.
Schedule a Marriage Meeting Now
Remember to prepare in advance for a successful Marriage Meeting. Conduct it with these agenda topics in this order: Appreciation, Chores, Plan for Good Times, and Problems and Challenges. Use positive communication skills. Doing so will bring many rewards. Both spouses will feel valued. Chores will get handled more smoothly. Romance and intimacy will thrive. Conflicts will be addressed respectfully and resolved on a regular basis. While spouses get to re-connect once a week, the good feelings last well beyond the actual Marriage Meeting.
With this information in mind, schedule an initial Marriage Meeting. Continue to hold weekly meetings. Forty-five minutes a week is a small investment for a huge return.
Marriage Meeting Agenda Chart
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Make Time to Connect
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Vacation Time
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