The addition of in-laws is the biggest structural change that takes place in a family outside of the birth of the children in the first place. Marriage necessarily forces the family's internal relationships to shift, grow up, and make room for the newcomer. But sometimes families have trouble negotiating the transitions of place and responsibility.
DISPLACEMENT
1. Roles shift. A father who enjoyed helping his daughter with her car or computer, suddenly realizes that he wasn't told about the last radiator problem, or that someone else fixed his daughter's hard drive when it crashed.
2. Newcomers to the family--trying hard to find their place in it--make mistakes as they assert themselves in this new world of relationships.
3. Sibling rivalry can even infect in-law relationships. A sister can resent her new sister-in-law's knowledge of her own mother's interests and activities, especially if the sister-in-law inadvertently knows something she, the original daughter in the family, does not.
4. Displacement brings a whole host of fears with it: fears of losing a relationship as the family roles shift; losing a place in someone's life; losing importance; rejection. The newcomer fears not being able to find a place in the new family.
RESPONSIBILITY
These tensions arise from someone not recognizing or accepting the responsibility for adult life--another's or their own. Examples of this may include:
- A married son who still has his mom do his laundry. A daughter-in-law who feels she has the right to criticize her mother-in-law's decorating style.
- Parents attempting to actively "parent" the new daughter- or son-in-law.
- Parents actively interfering in the emotional life of the new couple.
- The younger couple moving into a position of "bossing" their parents.
How does one deal with all the fear, displacement, and responsibility mines that can sabotage family relationships?
"There is no formula for adjusting to the in-laws. Each case is individual, each situation unique in its way. That makes finding balance all the harder." (from Passages of Marriage by the Minirths, Newmans, and Hemfelts)
But, the balance can be found. If you have identified with anything in these two articles, cheer up. Identifying the problem is half the solution already.
Next: The Good News -- For Making In-Law Relationships Better, see Good In-Law Relations and Mapping the In-Laws: A Guide to Better Relationships
