Tips for Troubled Marriages
Suggestions to Improve Husband-Wife Relationships
Are you trapped in a troubled marriage? Do you feel overwhelmed with marriage problems? Are you considering a marriage counselor or even a divorce?
If you feel trapped in a troubled marriage or buried in marriage problems, this article is for you. While it won't save your marriage, it may provide you with enough tips to point you in the right direction. By putting these tips into practice, your marriage can be on the road to recovery and reconciliation.
Decide to Love Your Spouse
This may seem basic, but the first thing you must do in a troubled marriage is to love your spouse. Don't feel like you're in love anymore? You feel like your marriage problems have caused you fall out of love? Well, then, love your spouse anyway.
Christian author and marriage counselor Gary Smalley declares: "Love is not an emotion, love is not a feeling, love is not happen-stance. Love is a decision!"
This isn't to say that such a decision will further trap you in a loveless marriage. On the contrary, it positions your marriage to kindle the feelings you crave. Feelings will follow your decisions and actions.
Forgive Your Spouse
This may be the hardest step, but it's critical to salvaging a troubled relationship. Do you feel that your spouse has neglected you or hurt you? If so, you must forgive him or her.
There may be situations (such as abuse or serial adultery) where forgiveness may not (and, some would indeed say, should not) lead to reconciliation. In a situation of abuse, for example, it is advisable to seek help and get out of that situation.
Assuming no abuse is taking place, give careful consideration to the fact that each of you is human and fallible. Each of you has made mistakes, and has hurt the other party. Decide to forgive.
Express Your Love to Your Spouse on a Daily Basis
Once you've made a decision to love your spouse (and to forgive him or her), you must express that decision. Verbalize your love and show your love. And do it daily.
Marriage expert Dr. Ellen Kreidman says: "A marriage that is filled with love, romance, communication, and passion is possible when you learn to demonstrate and verbalize your love on a daily basis."
Kreidman suggests (among other things) a ten-second kiss, a twenty-second hug, and a five-second compliment each and every day.
Communicate on Your Spouse's Terms
So often, we communicate on our terms - and expect others to adjust to us. This self-oriented perspective is extremely damaging to relationships.
Relationship expert Gary Chapman says that we must speak our spouse's "love language" and do so regularly. Explains Chapman: "The five languages are: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. One of these speaks more deeply to your spouse than the other four. Learning to speak his or her primary love language will change the emotional climate in your marriage."
If the concept of a "love language" is unfamiliar or too awkward for you, just think of personality. Each person has a unique personality. Do you know your personality type? Do you know your spouse's personality type? Understanding the dynamics of personality will help any marriage.
Seek Help
After making a sincere effort to implement the above steps (and make sure it's an effort that lasts a couple of weeks at least - and that it's consistent and truly genuine), approach your spouse. Tell him or her that you are committed to improving the marriage and making your relationship work. Then, suggest a counselor.
There are two ways to go with marriage counseling. The first is pastoral or ministerial counseling, which is sometimes free or very nominal in cost. The advantage is that you're getting a spiritual and faith-based dimension to the counseling, and there (hopefully) is a ready-made support network standing behind that counseling -- i.e., a church. The disadvantage is that the counseling isn't always on the same level professionally as what you can get elsewhere.
That of course leads to the second option, which is professional counseling. This option is expensive, so do your research. Get references if possible.
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For more reading:
Suite101 article: "Marriage Advice for Moms and Dads" by Diane Laney Fitzpatrick
Christianity Today article: "Wishful Thinking" by Gary Chapman
Blog Site: "How to Vanquish Fear and Insecurity"
Gary Smalley: [smalleyonline.com]
