When Nothing Works

The Failure of In-Law Relationships

Dec 27, 2006 Rhonda Langefeld

What to do with difficult in-law relationships.

Sometimes the warmth you hope for with in-law relationships never materializes. Instead of getting a sense of belonging, you are treated like a stranger--or worse, with open hostility. What do you do then?

1. Make sure you are not the one making the situation worse.

Are you treating your in-laws with rudeness, indifference, or arrogance? Are you oblivious to the way you stomp all over their feelings? Are you selfish or lazy when you are in their home? Are your comments to them sarcastic or cutting?

2. Review the relationship. When did it start to go bad? Has it always been bad?

Some people, unfortunately, don't know how to have good relationships with anyone. If your troublesome in-law alienates everyone, this might be more his or her problem than yours.

3. Capitalize on whatever does work in the relationship, no matter how small.

Maybe all you have in common is a liking for peanut butter cookies or fishing. Maybe you share the same attitude toward the stock market, or you like the same sports team. Keep that and use it in the relationship when you can.

4. Make the Golden Rule go platinum.

How would you like to be treated? With interest, respect, kindness? Even admiration? Then give it to them. Give them what you want most even if you will never get it back.

5. When it is hopeless, then do whatever depends on you for peace.

You can't control other people's actions, only yours. This means--for the sake of your spouse or child--speaking civilly and kindly to your in-laws. Do not make snide comments about them behind their backs. Accommodate their wishes when it is wise to do so.This does not mean exposing your children to hostile or dangerous environments. This does not mean sacrificing your marriage to the anger or caprice of other people. It does mean leaving the possibility of better relations open. Things could be very different in ten years.

Every in-law situation is different. But all of them--both good and bad--need to be handled with wisdom and care.

The copyright of the article When Nothing Works in Marriage is owned by Rhonda Langefeld. Permission to republish When Nothing Works in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.