Why In-Law Relations Are So Tricky
A Guide to the Minefield, Part I
The map of in-law relationships sometimes looks like a road through a field of mines where hidden traps wait to blast the unsuspecting. By knowing what the mines are and where they are, you have a better chance of avoiding and defusing them.
Most tension in in-law relationships arises from a mix of fear, displacement, and responsibility issues. As you read through the catalog below and in the next article, ask: Do you recognize some of these issues in yourself? Your spouse? Your parents? Your children? This list may contain the reasons behind the behavior that is driving you crazy.
FEARS
Everyone involved in an in-law relationship can be afraid of something.
- Parents fear for their adult child's welfare married to this new, comparatively unknown person.
- Parents and siblings fear losing the relationship they previously had with their child or sister/brother, now that a spouse is in the picture.
- The new son- or daughter-in-law fears that they will not be recognized or accepted as a fully-functioning adult, OR as a member of the family.
- Everyone fears judgment--that the new family member(s) will disprove of their home, their tastes, their interests, their thoughts, their laughter, their hobbies, how they raised their children, how they were raised... After a marriage, every piece of family life and lore is laid bare before the eyes of a newcomer, and everyone is a little afraid of what the others think.
- Differing family cultures can seem threatening to all parties involved. In-laws are skittish and can interpret comments as challenges to the way they do things, even when no challenge was meant. We are all a little insecure.
- Some special issues may arise between the mother and her new daughter-in-law and between a father and new son-in-law. The mother may be concerned that her son's new wife will not take care of him the way she herself did. The answer: Of course, the new wife won't. She's not supposed to. In the mother's mind, the boy-child and adult-male overlap--call it the occupational hazard of being a mom. However in his new wife's mind, this has never been the case. She sees him as an adult equal and relates to him as such. Similarly, a father may be concerned that his daughter, or his "little girl," will not "be provided for" at the same level she is used to. When a young couple struggles with finances and makes financial mistakes, the son-in-law especially may fear the father's scorn and judgment.
- And lastly, the fear of all parties that the answer to the following questions will be no. Do you like me? Do you respect me?
Next: Why In-Law Relationships Are So Tricky: Part II. Displacement and Responsibility Issues
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