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Rhonda Langefeld's BlogPosted by Rhonda Langefeld On this site we've looked hard at the craft of marriage--the tools and skills that every marriage needs to grow and become magnificent. Tools like communication, understanding, listening, sexual love, tools that handle conflict, build love, build relationship, and many more. These tools are for all marriages, and using them well is all in a day's work for a master craftsman. That's what we all are--marriage craftsman. And that is not just pretty talk or a nice writerly metaphor. This is our calling, this is our craft. And the results of our work are what we present to our own hearts first, then to our families, our community, and our society. However, we are all working with different materials. Some of us have extrovert spouses, some have introvert spouses. We all have spouses that were either more or less damaged by events that happened in their lives before we met them. And all of our spouses have experienced things we have not. They are people different from ourselves. Here is where the Art of Marriage comes in. Michelangelo used the same tools as the other artists of his day. He knew his craft. But it was how he used those tools on this particular piece of marble, how he painted on this particular wall surface, how he worked with these particular bricks or stones that made all the difference. The Art of Marriage is in applying the craft you know to your particular spouse and your particular situation. Michelangelo practiced and worked hard to become the great artist he was. We practice and work in our marriages too. We use a particular communication tool with our spouse and then decide to use a different one next time, or to use the same one but in a slightly different way. We learn when to use hugs, when to listen, when to act. We adjust, we learn, we grow. I'll be leaving Suite this week. My writing responsibilities and vision will be taking me elsewhere. But no matter where I go, I, like you, will be an artist and a craftsman working to shape and develop a magnificent marriage with the spouse I have promised to love forever. I'll be thinking of you. Respecting your craftsmanship. Admiring your art. God bless. Posted by Rhonda Langefeld My husband and I have found we need to make special time, appointments even, just to talk. Between his frequent business trips and my writing work our communication opportunities are hard pinched. Oh, yes, we do what everyone does--use email, cell phone catch-ups, and we talk in the car enroute--but, like fast food, quick communication bites are just for when you need them. They are never meant to be a regular diet. When we allow our lives to get too busy for hours of face-to-face communication, we can be unaware that our marriage is slowly starving. So, two days ago, Dale and I headed over to our favorite cafe with a copy of A Marriage Communication Checklist (an article on this site) and talked, really talked for two and a half hours. We started by discussing the questions under the "Physical Health" area of life, then just let the conversation follow our own hearts and minds from there. It was like eating a gourmet meal. Dale and I felt closer to each other than we have in a while. And we made some good decisions about our relationship for the month ahead. I was reminded of something else as we talked. The habit of conversation increases communication in a marriage just like a frequently worked muscle increases blood flow in a body. When we realize again, that our spouse is a trusted, listening ear, we open our hearts to each other more and more. Instead of tucking away that comment or concern, we decide to share. Marriage is all about growing in love. The wedding is only the beginning, the promise, the plan to love. The day-to-day love and talk we have with each other is the carrying out of that promise. The working of that plan, day by day, month by month, year by year. May you enjoy a feast of communication with your spouse soon and regularly. Bon Appetit! Posted by Rhonda Langefeld I knew it was a tough question to ask, but you all surprised me. This month the poll question was "Who is responsible for my happiness in marriage?" The choices were
As you can tell, three of the choices demonstrate personal responsibility, and two do not. When marriages fall apart, the blame and "if onlys" fly thick and fast. Reasons are given, reasons that usually disavow any personal responsibility for what happened. Many voices in our culture tell us that other people are supposed to make us happy, and if we're not, it's their fault. Like college students who fail tests and then blame the teacher instead of their own lack of study and effort. Well, Suite readers, you have given me hope for marriage in the 21st century. Your votes were overwhelmingly for personal responsibility in marriage. You only differed on the how much and what part of it. If you haven't voted yet, please do. Or at least check these interesting results. The poll will expire within one week. Posted by Rhonda Langefeld Dr. Laura Schlessinger's new book, The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage, presents marriage tools that she says will make your marriage thrive no matter where it's been. Important topics in this book include:
Those not familiar with Dr. Laura's style will find her very conversational and sometimes brash. Her advice cuts, painfully at times, through much of the selfishness that is modern society. You may or may not agree with all of her suggestions, but you will have plenty to think about by the time you finish her book. Held to be the sequel to the best-selling The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage was published in New York by HarperCollins (2007). Posted by Rhonda Langefeld Everyone who has ever desired to communicate better with the opposite sex--in marriage or out--will benefit from Deborah Tannen's classic book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. Tannen, a sociolinguist at Georgetown University, spent countless hours analyzing the dialogue patterns, nonverbals, and underlying meanings in the messages that women and men send in everyday conversation. She uncovered surprising differences between the genders in how they relate to themselves and to each other. Understanding these differences could help many a marriage run smoother. For example, Tannen discovered that in almost every conversation, a woman's hidden message is, "Do you like me?" whereas a man's hidden message is, "Do you respect me?" Women often follow an overlapping style of conversation. Men would call that "interrupting." Women tend to value connection in conversation. Men tend to value independence. This book is brilliant, insightful, and well-written. It offers many examples of dialogue that illustrate the frustrations men and women often have with each other. After reading this, you will never hear your spouse the same way again. Posted by Rhonda Langefeld Lynn Gordon is famous for her idea-filled "books" in the shape of decks of cards. This one is just perfect for Valentine's Day: 52 Romantic Adventures, by Lynn Gordon and Deb Levine. The types of activities in this deck range from the homebound to the extravagant, but they all hold the possibility of romantic fun for you and your spouse. Some examples:
And many, many more. Also, don't forget to check our discussion "Romance and Fun on a Tight Budget" for a really great idea from one of our readers. Posted by Rhonda Langefeld Is my marriage supposed to make me happy? Sounds like a silly question, doesn't it? Of course we marry for happiness. But exactly how happy are we supposed to be, and whose job is it to make sure we're happy? Do I have the right to be happy? Or does happiness just happen? Those thorny issues are the topic of our next poll--Happiness in Marriage--coming soon. If you are reading this after February 5th, scroll to the bottom of the welcome page and vote on who holds the responsibility for happiness in your marriage. Posted by Rhonda Langefeld As we finish our series on Traveling Spouses and move into other issues, I want to point out a resource I have mentioned already, but one deserving of more attention. I have never seen a book like it anywhere. The title is On the Road Again: Travel, Love, and Marriage, by William Hendricks and Jim Cote. Hendricks is the president of a communications consulting firm in Dallas, Texas. Cote is the corporate chaplain of Interstate Batteries, a company with a large sales force on the road. The material in this book was originally commissioned by the chairman of the board of Interstate Batteries to help his sales force maintain good marriages while succeeding in their jobs. Hendricks and Cote are thorough. First they deal with communication between spouses, both on and off the road. Then they discuss commitment and trust and how to identify and strengthen your marriage's vulnerable spots. They are realistic about the loneliness of travel, and how hard it is to resolve conflict across the miles. A chapter on planning shows how scheduling can protect the love in a family. Finances, parenting, departure, and re-entry--all are discussed in light of traveling stresses. One important chapter shows how to keep sexual intimacy in spite of long absences. And there is even a chapter on how a spiritual foundation can help the traveling marriage, for those so inclined. This book was published by Revell in 1998 which means readers will note a slight technology lag. But, it's still worth checking out. Posted by Rhonda Langefeld What is the single-most important thing a spouse on the road can do? Phone home. According to Hendricks and Cote, authors of On the Road Again: Travel, Love, and Marriage, those phone calls are all-important. Phone calls maintain trust and security, help overcome loneliness, provide accountability, and provide a chance to deal with practical matters. These vital calls "help to remind both partners that the relationship is still intact even though they are separated by hundreds or even thousands of miles." If you, like E.T., get this while you are on the road, you can do something great for your marriage. Phone home. Posted by Rhonda Langefeld In 1995 there were 275 million non-military business trips in the U.S. alone. It was then estimated that 1 in 5 U.S. workers traveled on business at least once a year. The numbers seem to have done nothing but grow since. Add the numbers from Canada, the United Kingdom, and the rest of Europe and North America and you have a lot of travel putting pressure on a lot of marriages. And for those spouses in the fields of sales, entertainment, sports, the military, international business, and the like, travel is not an occasional task; it is a way of life. So, does all this job-related travel destroy marriages? No, say William Hendricks and Jim Cote, authors of On the Road Again: Travel, Love, and Marriage. "Travel is rarely the root problem for a marriage or family. Travel merely aggravates whatever problems are already in the home." In other words, travel puts constant pressure on a marriage like ocean water does on a ship's hull. The water didn't create the holes, but it will definitely find them, and the ship will leak. An important question to ask then is: What is travel revealing about my marriage? And just as important is: What can we do as a couple to fill the holes and patch the leaks? For helpful information on the traveling life, see Traveling Spouse. Posted by Rhonda Langefeld My husband Dale signed up to be a traveling spouse about eight years ago. The job was a good one--one that provided much-needed funds for our children's college expenses. It also gave him the chance for career growth. But I wasn't thrilled about the loneliness of missing him. I didn't like the long stints of being a solo parent and household manager. Or of showing up to social functions alone again and again and telling new acquaintances, yes, I really am married. The difficulty of living out the married life at a distance is that the independence you need to develop in order to function well apart, directly challenges the healthy interdependence that defines a good marriage when you are together. Dale and I adjusted to the changes, made mistakes, adjusted again, hurt each other's feelings, and adjusted some more. We learned a lot of things over the years--one of which is that it takes time to adjust to the traveling marriage. And we learned to be nice to ourselves while we were adjusting. But we were surprised at how we grew as individuals and how our marriage grew. Though the miles frequently divided us, we came to trust each other's competence more. As trust grew, so did respect for each other. Appreciation increased as well and we were able to drop that deadly "taking each other for granted" feeling that can so easily infest marriages. We like our marriage even better now than we did eight years ago. And we liked it then! Along the way we learned to make good plans--plans for communicating, for trusting, for handling emergencies, for re-entry, and for romance. These plans, necessary to make a traveling marriage thrive, are the topics of a series of articles beginning today on Traveling Spouses. I'll also be adding a book review or two aimed at encouraging marriages in which one or both partners is on the road. As you look at the year--and the road--ahead, these tips can help make your marriage road a good one. Posted by Rhonda Langefeld One of the pleasures of adult life is the ability to take responsibility for our own growth--deciding where to grow in our lives, discovering what we need, and doing what it takes to get going. I don't do New Year's resolutions for the simple reason that I make and remake goals for myself all year long. January, the beginning of the calendar year, has the same meaning for me as June, the beginning of summer, or July, the beginning of my writing year, or September, the beginning of the school year. All of these are natural times to reflect on two questions. Where am I at now? Where do I want to be? That's all goals are about anyway--seeing where you want to be and planning simple, but clear steps on how to get there. Goal-making is fun because it reminds us of all the exciting and interesting possibilities that are part of life. Goal-making takes practice because it's easy to overplan or underplan our time and energy. Goal-making shows us how we think. If we value excellence, developing the talents and abilities we have will be on our goal lists. Along with all this goal-making, love can make some goals too. Ask yourself: How can I be the best husband I can be to my wife? What are three things I can do to move toward that goal? Or: How can I be the best wife I can be to my husband? What are three things I can do to move toward that goal? Growth is one of the biological proofs that something is alive. Rocks don't grow. Plants do. So do you. So does your marriage. How would you like to grow today? Do you feel like you are outgrowing your spouse? Read: Growing Faster Than Your Spouse: How much of a problem is this? Posted by Rhonda Langefeld It looks to be a good year ahead for marriage and marriage growth. This year we will dive into such topics as:
May your marriage have the best of New Years! |
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