Marriage
- The Art and Craft of Marriage
- Surprising Poll Results
- A Marriage Communication Feast
- Dr. Laura's New Marriage Book
- You Just Don't Understand
- Romantic Adventures
- Who Makes My Marriage Happy?
- One More for the Road
- The One Vital Thing
- Is Travel Ruining Your Marriage?
Posted by
Rhonda Langefeld
Building a magnificent marriage requires both craft, and art.
On this site we've looked hard at the craft of marriage--the tools and skills that every marriage needs to grow and become magnificent. Tools like communication, understanding, listening, sexual love, tools that handle conflict, build love, build relationship, and many more.
These tools are for all marriages, and using them well is all in a day's work for a master craftsman.
That's what we all are--marriage craftsman. And that is not just pretty talk or a nice writerly metaphor. This is our calling, this is our craft. And the results of our work are what we present to our own hearts first, then to our families, our community, and our society.
However, we are all working with different materials. Some of us have extrovert spouses, some have introvert spouses. We all have spouses that were either more or less damaged by events that happened in their lives before we met them. And all of our spouses have experienced things we have not. They are people different from ourselves. Here is where the Art of Marriage comes in.
Michelangelo used the same tools as the other artists of his day. He knew his craft. But it was how he used those tools on this particular piece of marble, how he painted on this particular wall surface, how he worked with these particular bricks or stones that made all the difference.
The Art of Marriage is in applying the craft you know to your particular spouse and your particular situation. Michelangelo practiced and worked hard to become the great artist he was. We practice and work in our marriages too.
We use a particular communication tool with our spouse and then decide to use a different one next time, or to use the same one but in a slightly different way. We learn when to use hugs, when to listen, when to act. We adjust, we learn, we grow.
I'll be leaving Suite this week. My writing responsibilities and vision will be taking me elsewhere. But no matter where I go, I, like you, will be an artist and a craftsman working to shape and develop a magnificent marriage with the spouse I have promised to love forever.
I'll be thinking of you. Respecting your craftsmanship. Admiring your art.
God bless.
These tools are for all marriages, and using them well is all in a day's work for a master craftsman.
That's what we all are--marriage craftsman. And that is not just pretty talk or a nice writerly metaphor. This is our calling, this is our craft. And the results of our work are what we present to our own hearts first, then to our families, our community, and our society.
However, we are all working with different materials. Some of us have extrovert spouses, some have introvert spouses. We all have spouses that were either more or less damaged by events that happened in their lives before we met them. And all of our spouses have experienced things we have not. They are people different from ourselves. Here is where the Art of Marriage comes in.
Michelangelo used the same tools as the other artists of his day. He knew his craft. But it was how he used those tools on this particular piece of marble, how he painted on this particular wall surface, how he worked with these particular bricks or stones that made all the difference.
The Art of Marriage is in applying the craft you know to your particular spouse and your particular situation. Michelangelo practiced and worked hard to become the great artist he was. We practice and work in our marriages too.
We use a particular communication tool with our spouse and then decide to use a different one next time, or to use the same one but in a slightly different way. We learn when to use hugs, when to listen, when to act. We adjust, we learn, we grow.
I'll be leaving Suite this week. My writing responsibilities and vision will be taking me elsewhere. But no matter where I go, I, like you, will be an artist and a craftsman working to shape and develop a magnificent marriage with the spouse I have promised to love forever.
I'll be thinking of you. Respecting your craftsmanship. Admiring your art.
God bless.
Posted by
Rhonda Langefeld
Readers' votes on who is responsible for happiness in marriage do not reflect impressions usually gleaned from the mass media.
I knew it was a tough question to ask, but you all surprised me.
This month the poll question was "Who is responsible for my happiness in marriage?"
The choices were
When marriages fall apart, the blame and "if onlys" fly thick and fast. Reasons are given, reasons that usually disavow any personal responsibility for what happened.
Many voices in our culture tell us that other people are supposed to make us happy, and if we're not, it's their fault. Like college students who fail tests and then blame the teacher instead of their own lack of study and effort.
Well, Suite readers, you have given me hope for marriage in the 21st century. Your votes were overwhelmingly for personal responsibility in marriage. You only differed on the how much and what part of it.
If you haven't voted yet, please do. Or at least check these interesting results. The poll will expire within one week.
This month the poll question was "Who is responsible for my happiness in marriage?"
The choices were
- I am
- My spouse is
- We both are responsible for different parts of it
- We both are responsible for all parts of it
- Chance and circumstances
When marriages fall apart, the blame and "if onlys" fly thick and fast. Reasons are given, reasons that usually disavow any personal responsibility for what happened.
Many voices in our culture tell us that other people are supposed to make us happy, and if we're not, it's their fault. Like college students who fail tests and then blame the teacher instead of their own lack of study and effort.
Well, Suite readers, you have given me hope for marriage in the 21st century. Your votes were overwhelmingly for personal responsibility in marriage. You only differed on the how much and what part of it.
If you haven't voted yet, please do. Or at least check these interesting results. The poll will expire within one week.
A Marriage Communication Feast
Posted by
Rhonda Langefeld
Without regular, focused communication, our marriages can slowly starve to death.
My husband and I have found we need to make special time, appointments even, just to talk. Between his frequent business trips and my writing work our communication opportunities are hard pinched.
Oh, yes, we do what everyone does--use email, cell phone catch-ups, and we talk in the car enroute--but, like fast food, quick communication bites are just for when you need them. They are never meant to be a regular diet. When we allow our lives to get too busy for hours of face-to-face communication, we can be unaware that our marriage is slowly starving.
So, two days ago, Dale and I headed over to our favorite cafe with a copy of A Marriage Communication Checklist (an article on this site) and talked, really talked for two and a half hours. We started by discussing the questions under the "Physical Health" area of life, then just let the conversation follow our own hearts and minds from there.
It was like eating a gourmet meal. Dale and I felt closer to each other than we have in a while. And we made some good decisions about our relationship for the month ahead.
I was reminded of something else as we talked. The habit of conversation increases communication in a marriage just like a frequently worked muscle increases blood flow in a body. When we realize again, that our spouse is a trusted, listening ear, we open our hearts to each other more and more. Instead of tucking away that comment or concern, we decide to share.
Marriage is all about growing in love. The wedding is only the beginning, the promise, the plan to love. The day-to-day love and talk we have with each other is the carrying out of that promise. The working of that plan, day by day, month by month, year by year.
May you enjoy a feast of communication with your spouse soon and regularly. Bon Appetit!
Oh, yes, we do what everyone does--use email, cell phone catch-ups, and we talk in the car enroute--but, like fast food, quick communication bites are just for when you need them. They are never meant to be a regular diet. When we allow our lives to get too busy for hours of face-to-face communication, we can be unaware that our marriage is slowly starving.
So, two days ago, Dale and I headed over to our favorite cafe with a copy of A Marriage Communication Checklist (an article on this site) and talked, really talked for two and a half hours. We started by discussing the questions under the "Physical Health" area of life, then just let the conversation follow our own hearts and minds from there.
It was like eating a gourmet meal. Dale and I felt closer to each other than we have in a while. And we made some good decisions about our relationship for the month ahead.
I was reminded of something else as we talked. The habit of conversation increases communication in a marriage just like a frequently worked muscle increases blood flow in a body. When we realize again, that our spouse is a trusted, listening ear, we open our hearts to each other more and more. Instead of tucking away that comment or concern, we decide to share.
Marriage is all about growing in love. The wedding is only the beginning, the promise, the plan to love. The day-to-day love and talk we have with each other is the carrying out of that promise. The working of that plan, day by day, month by month, year by year.
May you enjoy a feast of communication with your spouse soon and regularly. Bon Appetit!
Posted by
Rhonda Langefeld
A review of The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger's new book, The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage, presents marriage tools that she says will make your marriage thrive no matter where it's been.
Important topics in this book include:
Held to be the sequel to the best-selling The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage was published in New York by HarperCollins (2007).
Important topics in this book include:
- how to deal with and appreciate the differences between men and women
- how we mess up our own marriages
- the nature of married life
- how to avoid taking each other for granted
- how to communicate, and keep your words from hurting people
- important things to know about sex
- spotting competitiveness in your marriage
- bringing a marriage back from the brink of divorce, and
- giving your spouse the gifts of interest, love, and compassion
Held to be the sequel to the best-selling The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage was published in New York by HarperCollins (2007).
Posted by
Rhonda Langefeld
An insightful book on the different communication styles of men and women.
Everyone who has ever desired to communicate better with the opposite sex--in marriage or out--will benefit from Deborah Tannen's classic book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation.
Tannen, a sociolinguist at Georgetown University, spent countless hours analyzing the dialogue patterns, nonverbals, and underlying meanings in the messages that women and men send in everyday conversation. She uncovered surprising differences between the genders in how they relate to themselves and to each other. Understanding these differences could help many a marriage run smoother.
For example, Tannen discovered that in almost every conversation, a woman's hidden message is, "Do you like me?" whereas a man's hidden message is, "Do you respect me?" Women often follow an overlapping style of conversation. Men would call that "interrupting." Women tend to value connection in conversation. Men tend to value independence.
This book is brilliant, insightful, and well-written. It offers many examples of dialogue that illustrate the frustrations men and women often have with each other. After reading this, you will never hear your spouse the same way again.
Tannen, a sociolinguist at Georgetown University, spent countless hours analyzing the dialogue patterns, nonverbals, and underlying meanings in the messages that women and men send in everyday conversation. She uncovered surprising differences between the genders in how they relate to themselves and to each other. Understanding these differences could help many a marriage run smoother.
For example, Tannen discovered that in almost every conversation, a woman's hidden message is, "Do you like me?" whereas a man's hidden message is, "Do you respect me?" Women often follow an overlapping style of conversation. Men would call that "interrupting." Women tend to value connection in conversation. Men tend to value independence.
This book is brilliant, insightful, and well-written. It offers many examples of dialogue that illustrate the frustrations men and women often have with each other. After reading this, you will never hear your spouse the same way again.
Posted by
Rhonda Langefeld
A resource for the romantic explorer in you.
Lynn Gordon is famous for her idea-filled "books" in the shape of decks of cards. This one is just perfect for Valentine's Day: 52 Romantic Adventures, by Lynn Gordon and Deb Levine.
The types of activities in this deck range from the homebound to the extravagant, but they all hold the possibility of romantic fun for you and your spouse. Some examples:
Also, don't forget to check our discussion "Romance and Fun on a Tight Budget" for a really great idea from one of our readers.
The types of activities in this deck range from the homebound to the extravagant, but they all hold the possibility of romantic fun for you and your spouse. Some examples:
- take a road trip without a map; get away from the planned
- create a private chat room online for just the two of you, and flirt like crazy with each other
- blindfold your honey and kidnap him or her away to an unusual date
- have a romantic movie marathon night
- spend an afternoon taking black and white pictures of each other to develop into a special photo album
- go down memory lane and visit each other's high schools, sharing teen memories
- take a ride in a hot air balloon
Also, don't forget to check our discussion "Romance and Fun on a Tight Budget" for a really great idea from one of our readers.
Posted by
Rhonda Langefeld
Coming...A new poll on happiness in marriage.
Is my marriage supposed to make me happy? Sounds like a silly question, doesn't it? Of course we marry for happiness.
But exactly how happy are we supposed to be, and whose job is it to make sure we're happy? Do I have the right to be happy? Or does happiness just happen?
Those thorny issues are the topic of our next poll--Happiness in Marriage--coming soon. If you are reading this after February 5th, scroll to the bottom of the welcome page and vote on who holds the responsibility for happiness in your marriage.
But exactly how happy are we supposed to be, and whose job is it to make sure we're happy? Do I have the right to be happy? Or does happiness just happen?
Those thorny issues are the topic of our next poll--Happiness in Marriage--coming soon. If you are reading this after February 5th, scroll to the bottom of the welcome page and vote on who holds the responsibility for happiness in your marriage.
Posted by
Rhonda Langefeld
The best book on marriage and travel I have found.
As we finish our series on Traveling Spouses and move into other issues, I want to point out a resource I have mentioned already, but one deserving of more attention. I have never seen a book like it anywhere. The title is On the Road Again: Travel, Love, and Marriage, by William Hendricks and Jim Cote.
Hendricks is the president of a communications consulting firm in Dallas, Texas. Cote is the corporate chaplain of Interstate Batteries, a company with a large sales force on the road. The material in this book was originally commissioned by the chairman of the board of Interstate Batteries to help his sales force maintain good marriages while succeeding in their jobs.
Hendricks and Cote are thorough. First they deal with communication between spouses, both on and off the road. Then they discuss commitment and trust and how to identify and strengthen your marriage's vulnerable spots. They are realistic about the loneliness of travel, and how hard it is to resolve conflict across the miles. A chapter on planning shows how scheduling can protect the love in a family. Finances, parenting, departure, and re-entry--all are discussed in light of traveling stresses. One important chapter shows how to keep sexual intimacy in spite of long absences. And there is even a chapter on how a spiritual foundation can help the traveling marriage, for those so inclined.
This book was published by Revell in 1998 which means readers will note a slight technology lag. But, it's still worth checking out.
Hendricks is the president of a communications consulting firm in Dallas, Texas. Cote is the corporate chaplain of Interstate Batteries, a company with a large sales force on the road. The material in this book was originally commissioned by the chairman of the board of Interstate Batteries to help his sales force maintain good marriages while succeeding in their jobs.
Hendricks and Cote are thorough. First they deal with communication between spouses, both on and off the road. Then they discuss commitment and trust and how to identify and strengthen your marriage's vulnerable spots. They are realistic about the loneliness of travel, and how hard it is to resolve conflict across the miles. A chapter on planning shows how scheduling can protect the love in a family. Finances, parenting, departure, and re-entry--all are discussed in light of traveling stresses. One important chapter shows how to keep sexual intimacy in spite of long absences. And there is even a chapter on how a spiritual foundation can help the traveling marriage, for those so inclined.
This book was published by Revell in 1998 which means readers will note a slight technology lag. But, it's still worth checking out.
Posted by
Rhonda Langefeld
The most important thing a traveling spouse can do.
What is the single-most important thing a spouse on the road can do?
Phone home.
According to Hendricks and Cote, authors of On the Road Again: Travel, Love, and Marriage, those phone calls are all-important.
Phone calls maintain trust and security, help overcome loneliness, provide accountability, and provide a chance to deal with practical matters.
These vital calls "help to remind both partners that the relationship is still intact even though they are separated by hundreds or even thousands of miles."
If you, like E.T., get this while you are on the road, you can do something great for your marriage. Phone home.
Phone home.
According to Hendricks and Cote, authors of On the Road Again: Travel, Love, and Marriage, those phone calls are all-important.
Phone calls maintain trust and security, help overcome loneliness, provide accountability, and provide a chance to deal with practical matters.
These vital calls "help to remind both partners that the relationship is still intact even though they are separated by hundreds or even thousands of miles."
If you, like E.T., get this while you are on the road, you can do something great for your marriage. Phone home.
Is Travel Ruining Your Marriage?
Posted by
Rhonda Langefeld
What job-related travel reveals about a marriage.
In 1995 there were 275 million non-military business trips in the U.S. alone. It was then estimated that 1 in 5 U.S. workers traveled on business at least once a year.
The numbers seem to have done nothing but grow since. Add the numbers from Canada, the United Kingdom, and the rest of Europe and North America and you have a lot of travel putting pressure on a lot of marriages.
And for those spouses in the fields of sales, entertainment, sports, the military, international business, and the like, travel is not an occasional task; it is a way of life.
So, does all this job-related travel destroy marriages? No, say William Hendricks and Jim Cote, authors of On the Road Again: Travel, Love, and Marriage. "Travel is rarely the root problem for a marriage or family. Travel merely aggravates whatever problems are already in the home."
In other words, travel puts constant pressure on a marriage like ocean water does on a ship's hull. The water didn't create the holes, but it will definitely find them, and the ship will leak.
An important question to ask then is: What is travel revealing about my marriage? And just as important is: What can we do as a couple to fill the holes and patch the leaks?
For helpful information on the traveling life, see Traveling Spouse.
The numbers seem to have done nothing but grow since. Add the numbers from Canada, the United Kingdom, and the rest of Europe and North America and you have a lot of travel putting pressure on a lot of marriages.
And for those spouses in the fields of sales, entertainment, sports, the military, international business, and the like, travel is not an occasional task; it is a way of life.
So, does all this job-related travel destroy marriages? No, say William Hendricks and Jim Cote, authors of On the Road Again: Travel, Love, and Marriage. "Travel is rarely the root problem for a marriage or family. Travel merely aggravates whatever problems are already in the home."
In other words, travel puts constant pressure on a marriage like ocean water does on a ship's hull. The water didn't create the holes, but it will definitely find them, and the ship will leak.
An important question to ask then is: What is travel revealing about my marriage? And just as important is: What can we do as a couple to fill the holes and patch the leaks?
For helpful information on the traveling life, see Traveling Spouse.